It is one thing to talk about
what it means to love someone, and as important to look at what gets in the way. If you only are conscious of the do’s, you
may really mess up through the don’ts.
First, although it is important
to we talk about loving our husbands by doing certain things or showing it in
certain ways, it is important first to have the commitment to the relationship –
to recognize that you, as a married couple, are now one flesh. That means you care as much about this other
person, this other half of yourself as you do yourself. You commit yourself to that person’s
well-being because you love them. Hurting him would be like hurting yourself,
like taking a hammer to your right arm.
Now, if you are one of those
people who think that it is absurd to love him as you love yourself because you
don’t love yourself, let me ask you, what do you do for yourself? You feed yourself, and pick out foods you
really like, don’t you? You bathe yourself, and choose as nice clothes as your
budget will afford; you care for your appearance, and you rest yourself, think
a lot about yourself and what you want, and you entertain yourself, don’t
you? It is not bad to love yourself and take care of yourself!! The
bottom line is that we do a lot of things for ourselves…and Scripture says we
are to love our husbands…in essence, do for them the same as we want them to do
for us. (PS, if you really struggle to
love yourself, then you have another problem and really need some help.)
So, let’s talk a little more
about what actually gets in the way of your loving him as you love yourself. First, isn’t there a part of you that does
for him, so he will do for you? We
arrive at the altar with a whole lot of expectations. We, even if we don’t realize it, assume he
will have all of the best traits of our fathers. We assume he will be able to read our minds
and know what we want – to have, to do, and to feel…and where we want to go on
date night. That assuming thing is not
playing fair! He is a guy, and I
promise you, he cannot read your mind, so you better quit expecting him
to. He desperately wants to please you,
but he cannot know how unless you tell him.
Then we need to do a searching
inventory of our own motivations; whether we like it or not, and whether it is
easy to admit or not, the evil one is busy messing with our minds so he can
mess with our marriages.
Let me ask you to look at a few obstacles to good communication,
an essential to a good marriage. Is
there a little part of you that wants things your way? A part of you that wants to be in
control? Is there a part of you that
thinks more about how things affect you than how they might affect him? How much time do you think about what would
be good for him or how you can help him achieve his goals – and do you know
what they are? Do you assume he will
have all the bad traits of your father and then behave toward him relative to
that assumption? The evil one whispers into our ears thoughts about how we need
to protect ourselves, how we need to be strong, not vulnerable, that we need to
use our feminine wiles to get our way.
Any of these things sound familiar? I know many of these things described
me in the early years of our marriage, and I am subject to these temptations
even now, but if we want a godly marriage, we have to have more than a good
act. We have to have a right heart, right
with God and right with our mate, be truly one with our mate.
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