The list that saved my marriage

Not long ago I surveyed a group of women concerning the topics they would like to get some help with and I was surprised at how many of them mentioned marriage, how to get along with husbands and how to have a happy marriage.  So, that has been on my mind for a couple of months, which you can tell if you have been following this blog.

This last week I have been combing through old files and came across a great article written by Becky Zerbe and published in Today’s Christian Woman” in September of 2008: “The List That Saved My Marriage.”   Now I know that is a millennia ago by today’s time standards, but it is still very apropos.

Ready to leave her marriage, Becky sought sympathy and counsel from her mother.  Her mom listened but then she gave Becky a sheet of paper and pen and suggested that Becky make an inventory of her husband’s shortcomings on one side of the paper – like one column.  Then next to it, she was to record how she responded to his shortcomings.  Finally Becky's mom took the list, ripped it in half, returning Becky’s list of her responses to her husband back to her.

What he does	And how I respond
Forgets to take the garbage out	Nag him until he does and then point out often that he forgets this.

 

We cannot change our men, but we can and must start with ourselves.  I wonder what our lists might look like.  Then I wonder, and I think this was Becky’s mother’s purpose, how I would respond if the shoe was on the other foot, if I was on the receiving end of my own behavior.  We pout, we close/slam doors, we reject sexual overtures, we use the always and never words, we ignore, we shout, well, you get the picture.  We turn into someone who is not all that attractive, and he might think that if that’s how we are, why should he change?

Or, he may not have a clue as to why we are so ticked off.  He may be honestly ignorant.  So, I think Becky’s mom‘s list idea is a good one, but I also think we need to check out our communication skills.  Is he doing something that he could or should change, and have we talked with him about it, lovingly, sharing how we feel when he does or says that?  Are we getting ticked over things we knew about him before we married, but we never addressed …so he might think those behaviors are just fine.  Are we I Peter 3 wives, the kind that are easy to live with, the kind that win him over by the way we live with him, easy to love…again and again.
It’s easy to list his faults, and ignore our own.  SO let me encourage you to google that title and read the article on your own and check out the possibilities it might unleash – before it is too late, for you, or for someone you know who needs you to help her.