I feel so bad, so sorry for young people because they have
been sold a bill of goods, a big fat lie – that sex is the be-all and
end-all. I have had young women – college
age, tell me that they wanted to get rid of their virginity because it made
them feel labeled, and not in a good way.
The goal was to get the sex thing over with; how tragic!! They do not know that sex, as defined in too
much of our culture, is like a cheap imitation of the real thing.
Sex is about selfishness, I think. It is about finding ways, finding excitement,
to pleasure oneself. And that’s the
problem! God meant the sex act to be the
creation of a one-fleshedness (if I can make up a new word.) God’s design for the intimate act was for each
partner to seek to make the other feel desired, feel belonging, feel
appreciated and loved – the bottom line, it is the physical expression of a
union made before God. God, in a couple of different places, gave us teaching that men are to love their wives, as
Christ loved the church (the pinnacle of unselfish love) and older women are to
teach young women to so love their husbands that they feel preferred above
others, that they feel cherished.
Having sex falls way short of God’s design. That act that takes place in back seats, in
darkened secretive places is not about giving to the partner – expressing one’s
affection and desire for their pleasure, but more a pursuit of personal
pleasure. And kids don’t know there is a
difference! By the time they have
explored sex outside of and before marriage, they think that is all there
is. They think that furtive act,
regardless of the momentary physical pleasure (and sin is pleasurable for a time)
is what everyone is talking about. They
believe the lie.
The reality is that God has made the marriage act, the act
of love to be a secret, sort of, between two married people who have committed
themselves to love each other. It is the
culmination of the verbal commitment they have made to each other publicly. Love-making , this gift God has given married
people is something they learn to do, and it is something this couple do
together, a way of relating to each other that they do with no one else.
They devote themselves to pleasuring each other, to making
each other feel loved, and the longer they are together, the more this whole
process opens up, like a rosebud turning into a fragrant and open rose, the way
the streaks of light across the sky explode into a golden sunrise…but it is a
process, something that they learn together.
And I have to add, since I have been working with young
adults for thirty years, they need us to help them – by being honest about all
of this. We need to help them understand
the best lovemaking takes time. It is
selfless. They may need to read a book
or two, together, after they are married.
Okay, some may disagree with me, but I think reading books like THE
MARRIAGE AC T or any of the other “how to” books should be saved until after
they are married. Why would you want to
get them all aroused with no way to satisfy these desires? That could be like torture.
Well, I have been thinking about this since last weekend
when it came up in a conversation – are we helping our young people understand
God’s design for marital intimacy or are we letting the world do its job of
defining sex for them? Certainly this is
not the final treatise on the subject, but I think it has to be said, the door
has to be opened to this conversation.
image from www.friendshipcircle.org
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