So how can you love him?

Okay, I know I am a hoarder…well, of books and notes and articles…I figure if I thought them worth cutting out or printing once, they must be useful and will be useful again.  And although I moved my office home back in May, I still have not made it through everything I brought home. Today I started through a notebook I had for a class I taught and leafing through it, found this great post from www.familybuilders.net posted back in September of 1999 entitled “Five Speedy  Minutes to a Better Marriage”

Now, according to John Gottman, Ph.D, author of The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work, it is not about lots of shared time (like weekends away or long vacations together that are heard to find time for) that makes a marriage work.  It is making the most of five- minute blocks of time you do have.  Gottman says “The more five minute connections you are able to make, the better…because the more good connections you make, the more money you’ll have in your emotional bank, and the richer your relationship will be.”

I know this is fourteen-year-old news, but I think it is still relevant.  So thanks to Dr. Gottman, I will share four recommendations he makes, and four ways that I think you can show him, and each other, real love.

First, he suggests that you cuddle at the most important time of day.  He says that most couples cuddle at the end of the day – think on the couch in front of the TV, or in bed just before you go to sleep.  He suggests setting your alarm clock five minutes earlier, spending that time consciously, and I mean awake and purposefully, holding each other.  He says, “It’ll help you both to start the day feeling loved, and you’ll feel that way all day long.”  From personal experience, he’s right.  Now, we are morning people anyway, so that helps, but it is a great way to start the day.  Try it; give it some time!

Secondly, he suggests that you ask each other one simple question before you head out the door – or part company from each other regardless of the time of day.  The question:  “Anything special going on in your day today?”    And at the end of the day – or period apart, check back in.  Asking the follow-up question shows you really did care.  And on a personal note, as I pray about him and his day, I do feel closer to him all day.

Thirdly, share what you like about each other.  Remember that research shows how important respect is to him. So tell him what you respect him for and like about  him.  Five minutes, that’s all.  It’s not like you have to write a long treatise, but be conscious about those things that drew and draw you together.  Once you develop the habit of looking for good things to share with each other, it really does help minimize the conflicts.

Finally, spend five minute blocks of time doing small kindnesses for each other. You might spend five minutes in the supermarket finding the right dessert, a special candy bar or salty treat for him…or hunting up a recipe online for something he likes.  You could do things like taking him a hot, or cold drink, ironing a shirt, or putting his laundry away, or cleaning out the trash in the car.  You know what those kindnesses are for your spouse, or friend.  The point is, it doesn’t take much time to do an act of kindness.

So, now you have some simple ideas that don’t take much time that help him feel loved.
image from www.cuddlealert.com