April 18-19 Invasion of Privacy/A God Who Seems Distant

I Chronicles 28:9 And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts.

Psalms 10:1 Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?

It's always amazing to me how the brain works. This weekend is the anniversary of my youngest brother's birth and his death...born on Easter April 18, he died on April 16, two days before his fifth birthday. I was in seventh grade, a long time ago, yet every year, these days bring a renewed grief and mourning. Every year I think about how old he would be and wonder at the relationship we might have, wonder if his innocent childish faith would have matured him into a man of God.

So, these verses have been particularly relevant as once again the pain of that time in my life has washed over me. I watched my mother weep every day for two years. My younger sister and I watched our parents disappear like shadows in our lives, hearts broken, bowed under the fatigue of such unbearable loss...and I knew God then.

I couldn't figure out how God could be so powerful and be able to answer our prayers and know my baby brother had not done anything to deserve death, nor had we done anything to deserve this nightmarish pain(in my eyes), that He would not wake me up from this very bad dream. I remember pleading with God at the funeral to just wake Bobby up, make him sit up, since of course God could do that. But He didn't. And He seemed so distant and unhearing, since I knew He knew my every thought and desires.

Here we are: adults. I understand now that my brother is the one who made out well, leaving this world for a better one. I understand that God used my experience to enable me to minister to others. I know God never left me alone and that He filtered even this experience so that it was not more than He and I could handle.

And I believe that the fact that I am here, loving Him back is evidence of His presence in my life. I guess that has been a significant thought in my life over the last few weeks - seeing God in people's lives - watching them struggle with their sinful choices or their pain caused by other circumstances, knowing that apart from the Spirit's presence, they would be OK with their sin or walk away from God. After all, the world does not see those behaviors as we do, as grieving the heart of God.

So, today, I seek the face of God. I beg for wisdom. I long for His presence visible in my life - oh, not some big white blur, but to see Him at work in my life and the lives of those around me. I'm glad God can invade my privacy - that He knows my pain, and yes, I regret that I cause Him pain as He invades my privacy and sees my selfishness. But the bottom line, I believe my God, though He might seem sometimes distant, is always present and loving me, even when I cannot see Him.